Sneaking

 As I mentioned in an earlier post, my parents tended to use food as a weapon. Because of that, I learned at an early age that to get what I wanted I had to sneak it. Over time, this had several unfortunate results, results that lasted long into my adult life.

I'm only skimming the surface here, but successfully sneaking food that I'm "not supposed to have" became a sick, twisted reward of sorts. Candy, fast food, pizza, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches (the first food I abused) became things I straight up lusted after. I managed to rewire my brain so that succeeding at getting those foods not only gave me the pleasure of the food, but a dopamine hit for getting away with it. Nothing succeeds like excess, right?

Coupled with the body-shaming they used in an attempt to motivate me to lose weight it created what I call a Shame Circle. I'd eat my feelings because of the shame I felt for being fat, only to be more ashamed of eating the food that made me fat, and so I'd...eat more of it. 

There's an old saying in the AA crowd: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. 

The double hit of getting the prohibited food and "getting away with" the sneak was powerful. It had long-lasting effects. Well into my 50s, in fact. It also caused lifelong self-esteem issues that I continue to battle. I am getting better, day by day as I take control of my life and the food I eat. 

I am of course still tempted. It seems my work is out to get me! One of the benefits my company offers is a stocked kitchen: Every month we take a large delivery from Costco including giant plastic jars of Peanut Butter M&Ms, Skittles, Peanut Butter-filled pretzel nuggets, pallet upon pallet of Diet Coke, cookies, chips...all of it free for the employees. For the first 3+ years I've worked here I took advantage of all they had to offer. 

I don't anymore, and there are many times I'm left basically alone in the office as my co-workers are in the field and I hold down the fort. 

I said in my debut post that I used to Dip Skoal Long Cut Wintergreen, and that my first month had been the hardest and the following two weren't much easier. What kept me going then and what's keeping me going now is the idea that to give in would return me to Day 0 of my struggle. A week from this coming Monday will mark two months since I had BF ("Bad Food.") To go back now, to give in, is unthinkable. It helps me that I quit Skoal; I know I can kick a long-held habit, one that I was literally chemically dependent on. It also helps that I have a follow-on appointment with my endocrinologist in March, in which my blood will not only be tested for fasting glucose,  but my A1C will also be tested.

A1C is basically a measurement of your average glucose level over the last 3 months. The lower the number, the better. When in the hospital in December, my A1C was about 9; I expected it to be much higher, in fact. I want a 5.6, but this next time I expect it to be around 6.5 or 7.

The motivation of wanting that good A1C number is huge for me. When I do feel the temptation to cheat, to eat BF, I think about the impact it will have on my blood sugar. Both the spot tests I do during the say and my fasting blood sugar first thing every morning, and my A1C in March. It's almost like studying for a test. 

The downside to sneaking is the damage it has done to my marriage. Annie knew I was sneaking all these years and she'd ask me point blank about what I ate and I'd lie. I'd lie my ass off. It was tied to the shame, of course, and no matter how many times she'd assure me that she wouldn't be angry, she wouldn't love me any less, that she just wanted me to tell the truth... the childhood shame would win and I'd lie. 

A little over two years ago I went back into therapy for some issues I needed to deal with and managed to process a lot of that childhood trauma. I had a wonderful therapist, Jaz, and she and I got a lot of work done. (I also discovered something about Toxic Venting which I'll cover in more detail in another post.) It helped me become more honest about what I ate. Annie would ask me and I'd be upfront: I went to McDonald's and had a cheeseburger or two. While not crazy about me eating that food, Annie was happier that I was owning up to what I ate.

But, I have a long, long history of lying about my food, and when Annie asks me today if I'm being good and I assure that I am (and I am,) she sometimes feels what the Young People call "sus." I want to be clear here: I do not blame her, and it is not discouraging in the slightest. What I'm trying to say is that I'm doing this for me, for my life, for my health. I cannot let external influences such as that control me any more. I have to be strong within myself. 

For me.